28 December 2007

Fox News Reports: You've Been Selected To Win a Free XBox 360

Earlier this evening, Foxnews.com has reported they are giving away a free XBox 360 (link may not always activate given claim). Recent visitors may also learn that Comfort Suites has warm breakfasts every day. LLBean offers free shipping. And you can find a date on match.com.

When asked about the new type of news being offered on foxnews.com, an official of the popular news organization had the following to say: "First we started offering articles with no real source for the information. This change came after a strategic poll claiming most news consumers don't really care anyway, and just assume since it's in the news, it must be real. Soon after, we made another change. We started writing shorter and shorter articles by cutting out all the details, and leaving just basic information about the story in. As a further test of our viewers intelligence, we then began placing non-news items all around the site. At the top, the side, the middle, the bottom, and other random spots. Even hidden inside the text are more propaganda aimed to attack the visitors by offering content unrelated to the news they're supposed to be consuming. For those who are casual browsers, often doing other things while clicking around on our site, our stories also speak to you right through your computer speakers, so you're constantly aware that AT&T services Boston. After a short while, 80% of our site had nothing to do with the news, and is where it's at currently."

Today on foxnews.com, you will discover that there are jobs on monster.com, love at chemistry.com, and refinance offers on lowermybills.com. For your convenience, you can even sign up for spam that will invade your emailbox with all kinds of eclectic information, all completely free. Gateway also sells computers. And for those of you who have never been to a Quality hotel, they now welcome you with a smile.

13 December 2007

Backup Catcher for Phyllies Caught Taking Steriods

Among the expansive list of popular baseball stars taking steriods are little known posers who want to make it big in the sports scene. Such a player is backup catcher for the Philladelphia Phyllies, Gary Bennett, Jr.

As a backup catcher, his role on the team involves cheering, waiting, twiddling his thumbs, and other activities often performed while sitting on the bench. At the occasional wave of the coaches hand, he may leave the bench and proceed to walk to his playing field position behind home plate—the position nearest to the dugout—where he squats down to catch balls thrown by the pitcher. Should he ever need to stand back up, it's usually done just prior to walking back to the bench.

Clearly, this is too fierce a strenuous activity for some athletes. Because of the substantial number of baseball players taking steriods, the Major League Baseball association will be changing the sport to require less running, less action, longer innings, and more waiting so players have time to catch their breath should it rise a few extra beats per minute.

08 December 2007

UK Sewers Slowing Down, Installs Broadband

Homes in and around Longon, UK have been experiencing back-ups in their drainage pipes. Many people are unable to flush the toilet. The problem has reached the UK's Office of Zero Emissions (OOZE) director to combat the problem.

The UK director of OOZE has released a statement to the public. "Human sludge is not being carried fast enough through our sewers because they have not grown along with the rise of London's population. Also, waste is encrusting to the walls of the pipes causing too narrow a passage for the influx of muck."

A new broadband sewer line is being proposed that will theoretically speed the throughput up to 20 Gbps. The bill, called Grand Refinement of Stately Sewers (GROSS) has passed legislation and will commence building within the next few weeks.

02 December 2007

Pornstar Student's Body Found After Grades Slipping

Emily Sanders, known as "Zoey Zane" to random people across the world, was found near El Dorado, Kansas, missing since November 26th. She was last seen with Israel Mireles and his girlfriend leaving a bar.

One of her professors, who goes by the name of "Seymour Balls" had some concerns about her. "The partners she chose started getting more ugly," the porn teacher said. "The guys she did it with, their asses were getting hairier and hairier. Grades are based on a customer's willingness to watch the video 'again.' No one wants to see that."

Other students at the school were worried the same could happen to them. A new policy was introduced to try to prevent this from reoccurring. The principle made an announcement over the intercom. "From now on there will be more cameras in every session. We will have the best chance of avoiding hairy man ass if we can choose between different views when assembling the video."

26 November 2007

Ron Paul Caught with Hooker

Presidential hopeful Ron Paul, R-TX, has recently been seen inside a brothel in Reno, Nevada. His discovery was kept secret until his next interview, hoping to catch him off guard.

Ron Paul was left to himself when he first heard the question. "It was not the Moonlight BunnyRanch brothel." Consumed of fear from this incredibly weak answer, he continued, "it was a strip joint. I was just about to 'pop out' of there, if you know what I mean."

Mr. Paul drank a crowd full of 'boos' before trying to maintain his stature and dignity. "And what about the reporter who found me? Surely she is just as guilty as I." He knew this answer was better when the crowd kept silent.

"I bet it was that babe from Fox News. I was with her just last night," said Paul, unprovoked.

"Yea!" from a sole member of the crowd, later identified as the boss of the undercover reporter.

Paul continued, "I found her in that same brothel, er.. titty bar, and we tasted our own personal brands of wine, if you get my drift."

24 November 2007

Identity Thief Also Pushing for Tighter Security

Earlier this year, a married couple had their identities stolen after the database of an airlines company was hacked into. Within days, malicious activity started accumulating by an identity thief somewhere in Great Britain. The couple agreed to an interview, but wanted their names masked for obvious reasons.

"We couldn't be happier," said Mark and Mary Strong. "We woke up one day, and all of our debt was gone."

The thief was caught earlier this week and the judge made him available to speak with.

"Oh, oh man," said the thief, "I try to get free tickets to Wales, and suddenly I'm $58,000 in debt. I have bills coming every week, and the collections agency is on my ass every the day. You guys have to make these systems more secure."

The judge refused to jail the criminal saying, "No amount of jail time is equivalent to the punishment he's now receiving."

"This is why we decided to mask our names, with our real names," said the couple.

20 November 2007

Moonbat Translator: Foes Run Over Retarded NY License Plan

Today's release of Moonbat Translator brings us CNN douchbag and popular leftard, Ruben Navarrette Jr. His agenda today involves bringing us comedy over the New York illegal drivers license plan. For those who are not experienced enough to understand how Navarrette feels about it, I have taken the time to translate it for you.

The article in its original language:

To understand Moonbat tongue is to realize most of what is being said are lies, or other falsehoods used in place of nonsense whenever one wants to make it sound like they know what they're talking about. Therefore, I have added helper-words to guide you through the translation.

The opening begins thusly:
Score one for the knee-jerk naysayers.

This is most easily written:
Republicans: 1
Democrats: 0

You know the type: Republicans who critize potential laws that don't make sense and that cause to hurt the working Americans.

Faced with the problem of what to do with tens of millions of illegal immigrants who drive on state roadways every day to go to work for people who shouldn't have hired them anyway, New york governor Eliot Spitzer proposed a controversial and retarded plan to give the criminaliens a state-issued driver's license that would be easily discernible from [real NY] licenses enough to prevent any normal criminal alien from ever wanting one.

The plan hit roadblocks with reasonable people, on the right and the left—which is always a good sign, but the criticism kept mounting, and now Spitzer has put the brakes on the plan after a brief but intense debate.

Correction. It wasn't really a debate. It was the rhetorical equivalent of a similar conversation that occurred amongst our Founding Fathers in which common sense was the basis of our Constitution.

Yes, common sense. That word is sometimes overused in the immigration debate, because the concept is pretty straight forward.

In this case, common sense is the word that Spitzer used to describe some of the things he hasn't quite figured out yet. The NY driver's license plan pilloried by everyone except him and I.

Here's the problem. The Republicans once again let their understanding of what could happen motivate them to action and stop the Democrats from destroying our culture.

When lawmakers proposed a path to legalization for criminaliens, the Republicans rightfully called it "shamnesty"—which is, in essense, what we have now.

When lawmakers proposed offering that path to [criminaliens] who pursue higher education, the Republicans called it—wait for it—"shamnesty"—and imagined a scenario where these illegal residents would attend US colleges and universities [on American taxpayer's money], which is what happens now[, and is alighting them to action].

And when a handful of governors, including Spitzer, proposed giving driver's licenses to these felonists, the Republicans objected lest we end up with a situation where American citizens share the highways with known rapists, felonists, and other border-jumpers who care nothing for the laws of America or its culture, which is what happens now[, except that they don't yet have a document that says they're undocumented].

These folks are often replete with shock at the sudden and severe lack of reasoning amongst the entire Democratic party, that problems appear to be tabled until time allows them to recover. This is what happened to GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, but he was quicker to respond during the interview with CNN Headline News host Glenn Beck, and still concious enough to state that he would punish states that give driver's licences to criminals.

When it comes to the immigration issue, we really are two Americas. There are Republicans who want to do something about it, and Democrats that want the criminal aliens to do something about us.

I discovered much of what was being translated ended up being a lie. This made it very difficult to choose proper verbiage. This particular dialect of Moonbat was a lot thicker than just Common Moonbat.

Even the legal immigrants are pissed.

18 November 2007

Chavez to double oil prices, US Retaliates

At a summit of the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) last week, the important matter of rising oil prices was once again on the table. But before anyone could discuss the economics on the agenda, Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela, was instead interested in attacking Bush.

"If the United States was mad enough to attack Iran or aggress Venezuela again the price of a barrel of oil could reach $150 or even $200," said Chavez.

While president Bush of the US was thumbing through his itinerary to find where Chavez was supposed to speak out, King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, a US ally who exports more oil than any other country, took point and said "Oil should not be a tool for conflict, it should be a tool for development."

Bush rose from his seat and said, "If Chavez will double the price of oil, America could double the amount of bombs being dropped." Everybody sat back down.

11 November 2007

Chavez, Name-calling a Strategy in International Relations

At another United Nations convention, polital leaders from around the globe gather to discuss the ever important matters of the World. US president George Bush was present among the leaders of South America, Europe and Asia. A conversation erupted between Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, the current socialist Prime Minister from Spain Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, the former Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar, the Spanish King Juan Carlos, and Bush.

Responding to September's incident when Hugo Chavez, the president of Venezuela, called Bush the Devil, the US leader decided to show up wearing bright red colored contacts.

"I wanted to show good ol' Hugo that he either respects us, or he fears us," said president bush. "If i can scare him as much as he scares his own people, than I know it will be worth it."

The night started with discussions of crime, education, oil production, and women. Chavez, knowing he has problems in each area, took this as a personal attack, glanced over at Bush, and saw the brimstone glance of a higher-being, with fiery breath and a stare to avoid. He mumbled:

Chavez: By Lucifer's beard
Bush: and horns
Chavez: Devil!
Aznar: And he's taken the form of Venezuelan Marxist leader!
Chavez: Fascist!
Zaptero: Easy Chavez, or we'll airship food and supplies to Venezuela to tell the world your a third world country.
Chavez: Backstabber!
Carlos: "Chavez, shut up."

03 November 2007

Pirates of the Caribbean IV: The Curse of Somali Warlords

Earlier this week a Japenese tanker was seized by Somali pirates. Captain of the pirate ship, Black Pearl, announced takeover at 5:45am Thursday and demanded the USS Porter, a US Navy warship, back off. Local witnesses describe the pirate captain as a "beardly man with a monkey on his shoulder."

A new captain of the USS Porter, known as Captain Jack, had some words to say on the matter: "T'would be rude of me to tresspass upon Somali waters, so me cannon balls will instead. Then thar shall be peace again for Sparrow."

Negotiations have started for the release of the governer's daughter from the Samolis. Also on board is a tanker-full of benzene, a highly flamable industrial solvent. Though bezene is fatal if too much is inhaled, a lesser amount may only alter the way one talks.

Somehow available for comment, the Black Pearl captain was available for a short interview by a CNN reporter. Though captured, was able to escape off the ship and swim to the US Navy vessel.

Reporter: Captain, what do you intend to do with the benzene?
Barbossa: Thar be a huge party an' plenty o' good times! Inhale we shall, an' high we shall be."

Reporter: Do you inted to sell any of it?
Barbossa: Yarr, and our prisoners too.

Reporter: Including Elizabeth Swann?
Barbossa: No. Ya scurvy dog whut deserves the black spot!

26 October 2007

US Constitution Defaced

At 4:55am this morning, an alarm rang inside the National Archives in Washington DC. Police rushed to the scene and immediately formed a perimeter around the building. One squad entered, but came back after only a few minutes. They threw down their firearms and started yelling obscenities.

Shortly after, a detective arrived on the scene and entered the building with the squad leader. After only a few minutes, they both emerged to approach the podium set up by the press.

Reporter1: Detective, can you describe for us what it looks like in there?
Detective: There's a lot of broken glass inside. I don't think we should open the building to tourists until it is all cleaned up. Smells like Mexican diarrhea ass in there.

Reporter2: Was anything stolen by the burglar?
Detective: A document was taken out of its glassed-in cage, but it was not taken out of the building. The thief left it on the floor, but utterly destroyed it.

Reporter3: Which document was taken, and what happened to it?
Detective: The United States Constitution was removed from its display case, put upon the floor, and the illegal immigrant took a massive dump right in the center of it.

21 October 2007

Nobel Prize winner, James Watson, sentenced to Ghetto

James Watson, Nobel price winner for his discovery of the double-helix structure of DNA, has been accused of racism to the highest degree. Using the Scientific Method, and his reputation to back him, has scientifically declared that black people should bow to white people.

The London Science Museum's organiser, who cancelled his talk planned for last Friday, said, "Being 79 years old, he's subject to all the illnesses old people get, such as Dementia, Amnesia, and Schizophrenia. We felt it appropriate to discriminate on account of statistics. You never know when he may say things to deliberately arrouse a crowd a people."

The local judge said during his trial, "It would've been a little less targeting to say 'Caucasians may be more intelligent' rather than 'Blacks may be less intelligent.'" By order of the judge, he is to be transported to the middle of the ghetto, released, and will have to find his way out, to see if he is more intelligent than the others.

20 October 2007

David Copperfield accused of Sexual Assault

Last Friday, world renowned magician David Copperfield has been accused of sexual assault. Later that day, he found his home has been stampeded by the FBI, with $2 million stolen from his safe.

"I was only creating the illusion of rape," said Copperfield. "My attorney, David Chesnoff, can vouch for my gentlemanliness."

The local police said they will probably just throw away the case on account of celebrities always being targeted for sex crimes, especially since the type of allegation hasn't even been made, nor has the supposed victim's name even known, nor has the police in the Bahamas have any record of his crime, nor is there any record of him being in the Bahamas. As an apology, Copperfield was asked if there's anything he needs.

He responded, "Can I have my $2 million back?"

17 October 2007

China furious over US medal to the Dalai Lama, awards China's top medal

President Bush met with the Dalai Lama yesterday in a move that angered China. It wasn't until the day after they discovered why. It was the first time a US president was seen with the leader of Tibet in public.

Once the Tibetan leader received the US Congregessional Gold medal, China became furious. "They were like a muslim to the cartoon," said the Dalai Lama.

In an attempt at retaliation, China awards the Dalai Lama it's top award, the communist Grand Lotus medal. They hope this last attempt to anger the US will work as well as their official denunciation to the media did.

16 October 2007

Maliki declares United States terrorists

Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki, appointed by the United States of America in May 2006, declared the United States as a terrorist regime. He has ordered a staged removal of all US troops and other personnel from within his borders.

"After going on five years of unrivaled security and strategic deployment of the best troops in the world occupying our country and protecting our culture," said Nuri al-Maliki, "I didn't for once believe they were against us the whole time. They used us to get oil and played us for victims. It turned out, they were the terrorists after all."

Maliki's decision was created overnight, but will allow some Americans to continue occupying Iraq. During the press conference, he stated, "American reporters and Hollywood actors are free to remain and continue to inform the world about how bad it was when the US was here, and about how we used to have flowery meadows and rainbow skies, and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.

12 October 2007

Peace, the prize Al gored

Al Gore, former presidential candidate and main ingredient in today's laughter, has just won the Nobel Peace Prize.

"If Yassir Arifat can kill scores of men, and Mikhail Gorbachev can maintain gulags while simultaneously acquiring the Nobel Peace Prize, than so can I," said Gore. "I haven't killed nearly as many men, though my attempts are promising."

Even Al Jazeera is confounded, who, in all the crap it airs, has probably caused less global hysteria than Al Gore.

08 October 2007

Clinton moves campaign to Mexico

Democratic freight train Hillary Clinton, D-NY, announced today she is moving her campaign to Mexico. News came only a day after it was released that 20 to 38 million people in America are here illegally.

"Before election day comes, illegal immigrants will be allowed to vote," says Clinton. "I have to adjust my strategy to win their votes as well, and i'm counting on the tens of millions of people to continue migrating north. They'll know who they want to vote for before even crossing our borders."

America without Democrats

A new poll was released today by Fox News confirming 1 out of 5 Democrats believe the world would be a better place if America lost the war in Iraq. Hillary Clinton, D-NY, personally commented saying, "The world would be a lot better off if Iraq was lost to rampant terrorism and have al Qaeda move in faster than I can finish this sentence."

A second poll that ran beside it confirmed 1 out of 5 Republicans think America would be a better place without Democrats.

07 October 2007

UK to teach Flat Earth scientology

The United Kingdom has seen a rise in the number of Muslims entering the country. Schools probably being most affected, our reporter visited a number of schools in London and asked if any recent changes have resulted from the migration.

"As a matter of fact, yes," said the Director of Science at University of London. "They are bringing their old 7th century ways into our culture. One in twenty students actually think the Earth is flat. One in ten student also denounce the wholly accepted Theory of Evolution as the cause of Man, opting for the more ludicrous Creationism, as if they were created from nothing."

This may help explain their willingness to blow themselves up as a faster way to the End. If they can die and make the news, poof, 72 virgins, right in their face, created out of nothing.

Bill Clinton shocked at prospect of becoming "First Lady"

Former president Bill Clinton today anounced his concern at becoming First Lady to possible future president Hillary Clinton. Among his statement, he told reporters, "I promise I will not run the country as president like Hillary did when i was in Office."

There is no guarentee the name will change to something more inline with this role. Some suggestions have come in, including: First Man, and Deputy President. Others just think it would be... Hillaryous.

04 October 2007

Craig blames 'Gay Bomb' on sex sting

Larry Craig's guilty plea retraction over the airport bathroom sex sting was rejected earlier this week by a state judge. His attempts to convince the judge someone set off a Gay Bomb in the bathroom had failed.

"I only went into the bathroom so I could relieve myself. You can see if there's someone in the stalls since the walls don't reach the floor. Then I saw his Reeboks, and just couldn't resist.

25 September 2007

Pelosi visits University in Iran, Tasered

Nancy Pelosi, current Speaker of the US House of Representatives, went public with her travel plans to Iran. Against all instruction from President Bush, she visited Amirkabir University of Technology speaking on matters such as Homosexuality and the Holocaust. Here are some questions and answers as asked by Iranian students, and answered by her Slitheryness.

Iran Student: Ms. Pelosi, is everyone in America homosexual?
Pelosi: By now, almost, though we try not to offend those who aren't. We are in the process of applying strict politically correct verbiage in all school textbooks. You should visit Key West, Florida.

Iran Student: Ms. Pelosi, did 9/11 actually happen the way the American people think it did, as a terrorist attack by their own gov't?
Pelosi: In America, you are free to pass your own opinions. Some people pass a lot of wind and others start to believe them, including the big cheese. Sometimes, it's necessary to cut the cheese in front of a large group of people.

Iran Student: Ms. Pelosi, what do Americans think about the Holocaust?
Pelosi: As the most hateful event in history. America was obliged to step in to employ our guns and save the Jews. We love the Jews!

The answer to this last question sparked enough protest to alarm the guards. Everyone got out of their seat and the room became increasingly loud. Pelosi raised her voice to shout over the raucous but the guards pinned her down. She then started shouting "Don't tase me bro'!"

20 September 2007

Members of Hillary's campaign officials catch rare disease, explode

One by one, members of Hillary Clinton's campaign officials are going down in the night. The disease causes the ass to swell, then explode. There is little scientific explanation for the swelling of their posteriors. One common symptom that occurs right as their body is at the apex of its bloat, is the enormous amount of shit that comes out of their mouths.

09 September 2007

US backs 7-tier Internet

The United States Department of Justice has declared Internet Service Providers should be allowed to charge extra for different types of content. They have classified them using the below structure, where the content at the top costs the most:

  1) Educational websites [.edu]
  2) Not for Profit Organizations [.org]
  3) Popular websites (e.g. yahoo.com)
  4) Maddox
  5) free hosting sites (e.g. geocities.com)
  6) porn
  7) Government websites [.gov; usdoj.gov]

It is unknown just how much each tier will cost above the tier below. A spokesman from the US DOJ commented saying, "This is to ensure everyone has access to government websites, no matter what they pay for their internet access, and companies like Microsoft ensure their popular website stays running."

Even before any premiums have been paid, three major telecom companies still had enough funds left for spying, and lobbying.

Only a primal few citizens on Earth think net-neutrality is bad, including the less-than executive employees of Internet Service Providers themselves, as they have to pressure their own employees to lobby.

04 September 2007

Britney has bad mouth, joins hood

Two new tracks from Britney's next album has been leaked over the internet, causing outrage. On one song, she throws an F-bomb; on the other, the N-bomb. They were bad enough to be banned from the radio in it's unedited form.

A reporter showed up at her new home, situated in the "bad area" of the city, to ask britney about her new album. She commented, half dancing, half tripping, "Word, cracka. I gots da boys out back rappin' and shit. You should come out, chill wif' my homeys."

The reporter left, astounded, and bought a copy of the Urban dictionary so she could finish her report. She had no idea that Britney turned into a sludge monster after her teen pop years, and never heard swearing in a song before.

After finishing her story, the editor refused to publish it. After intruducing her to rap music, the shock was too much, and she fainted. She was proclaimed permanently innanimate by the end of the day.

29 August 2007

Castro buys land in America, runs for President

The aging Fidel Castro has left Cuba to purchase land in Florida. Rumor has it, he's trying to become a citizen.

When questioned during his recent arrival, Castro stated "Hillary wants to force reform in Cuba, and if I know the American people, they are dumb enough to vote her into the highest office. I have to leave now, team up with Obama, and move to a place where I can still make a difference."

"I was actually born in America," said Castro during an interview, "and according to the American constitution, I am legally allowed to run for President. Being somewhat of a leader myself, I've been described by my people as ruthless, savage, heartless, rights-burglar, turd-nerfer, illegal immigrant-supporter, and victim-hurter. After studying Hillary's campaign, I know I would make a good Democrat."

28 August 2007

Idaho Senator enjoys gay dancers

Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) was found sneaking into an airport bathroom on tiptoes and looking under the stall doors. Soon after the gate cameras caught him giving once-overs to the elderly, airport security contained and arrested him.

Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport police Sgt. Dave Karsnia said, "He's a dirty old man, and needs to go to a dirty old prison."

Despite a strong voting record for anti-gay rights, Craig was unable to convince even his family of his sexual alignment. He said to the officer, "I saw someone dancing in the stall and was eager to find out who. I mean, I thought I was in the womens!"

06 August 2007

Fake Steve Jobs revealed

The author of the blog that inspired both Bill Gates and the real Steve Jobs has been revealed. The NY Times, after 14 months of mystery, has unearthed "The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs," thus ruining what heretofore have offered amusement and entertainment to everyone. Yes, the real author is the dissociated identity of the real Steve Jobs's alternate personality.

When confronted by accusations from the NY Times, editor Brad Stone patted himself on the back after celebrating; stumbled out of the local pub, Tipsy McStaggers, exclaiming "Now everyone knows it's you Stevie!"

Apple boss Steve Jobs mentioned, "After about the twelth month, I thought no one would ever discover me." Later that day, when questioned by our second reporter, he stated "I still enjoy reading it, even though i now know who's behind it. You never know what it's going to say."

Numerous psychologists have since been attempting to call him and set up an appointment. After realizing they couldn't get through, thought it best for society to just let him be. One, available for contact, gave us her reason: "If he's going to be changing personalities and building Macs on Intel chips, installing Safari on Windows, and removing DRM from iTunes, than his alter-ego is proving to benefit society greater than his truer self.

01 August 2007

War could cost $1 Gajillion

According to supposed wartime-ish, financial-ish "analysts," the war in Iraq could cost $1 Trillion. Members of Congress welcomed the report, all of whom were probably Democrat (all the ones in the article; see screenshot below); all of whom forgot to look at the facts. According to the article:

"In a report to lawmakers yesterday, the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office estimated that even under the rosiest scenario -- an immediate and substantial reduction of troops -- American taxpayers will feel the financial consequences of the war for at least a decade.

It's been almost 5 years already, and i have yet to feel the financial effects of our current situation. Why would i feel it in another 10 years, and best of all, why would i feel it 10 years after the fact.

"If the United States gradually reduced its troop level in Iraq to 30,000 by 2010, the US Treasury would still have to provide up to $500 billion more to sustain those troops, as well as pay other expenses, he said in the report.

"In the alternative scenario -- in which 75,000 US troops remain stationed in Iraq over the next five years -- the nation would have to pay an additional $900 billion, according to the analysis.

It's because of this, that i frequently praise America. British forces in Iraq: 9,000. US forces in Iraq: 190,000. Personally i'd like to see another country try to match this. No single other entity on Earth can afford to do this.

"We should find a way to pay for it so that when this war is over we are not bankrupt," [Representative James P. McGovern] said.

Some people have such little faith in America. The worlds' foremost economic powerhouse is going to go backrupt from putting less than a few hundred thousand troops in Iraq? These figures just don't add up. McGovern needs to go back to school.

31 July 2007

New US-Mexico border fence threatens "Wild Life"

Mexican officials are urging the US to cease production of their 700 mile long fence. They threatened to file a complaint with the International Court of Justice claiming they are "altering the eco-system of the desert and threatening the wildlife of the area."

"If they build this fence," said an unnamed Mexican governmental official, "all the water, insects, and pollen wouldn't be able to cross it either. There are Jaguars, black bears, and apes that cross these lands freely."

Although we couldn't speak to president Felipe de Jesús directly, when asked about a possible alternative that would allow jaguars and other wildlife to cross, but curb illegal immigration, a trusted advisor exclaimed "they should be focusing on 'live' fences, such as those made out of cactii. These would appear much safer for the animals to squeeze by, and no logical human would try it."

US Homeland Security Secretary, Michael Chertoff, embraced the idea, stating "after getting stuck between two cactii, I believe this actually would eliminate the 'wild life' of these illegal apes.