US Constitution Defaced

At 4:55am this morning, an alarm rang inside the National Archives in Washington DC. Police rushed to the scene and immediately formed a perimeter around the building. One squad entered, but came back after only a few minutes. They threw down their firearms and started yelling obscenities.

Shortly after, a detective arrived on the scene and entered the building with the squad leader. After only a few minutes, they both emerged to approach the podium set up by the press.

Reporter1: Detective, can you describe for us what it looks like in there?
Detective: There's a lot of broken glass inside. I don't think we should open the building to tourists until it is all cleaned up. Smells like Mexican diarrhea ass in there.

Reporter2: Was anything stolen by the burglar?
Detective: A document was taken out of its glassed-in cage, but it was not taken out of the building. The thief left it on the floor, but utterly destroyed it.

Reporter3: Which document was taken, and what happened to it?
Detective: The United States Constitution was removed from its display case, put upon the floor, and the illegal immigrant took a massive dump right in the center of it.