26 October 2007

US Constitution Defaced

At 4:55am this morning, an alarm rang inside the National Archives in Washington DC. Police rushed to the scene and immediately formed a perimeter around the building. One squad entered, but came back after only a few minutes. They threw down their firearms and started yelling obscenities.

Shortly after, a detective arrived on the scene and entered the building with the squad leader. After only a few minutes, they both emerged to approach the podium set up by the press.

Reporter1: Detective, can you describe for us what it looks like in there?
Detective: There's a lot of broken glass inside. I don't think we should open the building to tourists until it is all cleaned up. Smells like Mexican diarrhea ass in there.

Reporter2: Was anything stolen by the burglar?
Detective: A document was taken out of its glassed-in cage, but it was not taken out of the building. The thief left it on the floor, but utterly destroyed it.

Reporter3: Which document was taken, and what happened to it?
Detective: The United States Constitution was removed from its display case, put upon the floor, and the illegal immigrant took a massive dump right in the center of it.

21 October 2007

Nobel Prize winner, James Watson, sentenced to Ghetto

James Watson, Nobel price winner for his discovery of the double-helix structure of DNA, has been accused of racism to the highest degree. Using the Scientific Method, and his reputation to back him, has scientifically declared that black people should bow to white people.

The London Science Museum's organiser, who cancelled his talk planned for last Friday, said, "Being 79 years old, he's subject to all the illnesses old people get, such as Dementia, Amnesia, and Schizophrenia. We felt it appropriate to discriminate on account of statistics. You never know when he may say things to deliberately arrouse a crowd a people."

The local judge said during his trial, "It would've been a little less targeting to say 'Caucasians may be more intelligent' rather than 'Blacks may be less intelligent.'" By order of the judge, he is to be transported to the middle of the ghetto, released, and will have to find his way out, to see if he is more intelligent than the others.

20 October 2007

David Copperfield accused of Sexual Assault

Last Friday, world renowned magician David Copperfield has been accused of sexual assault. Later that day, he found his home has been stampeded by the FBI, with $2 million stolen from his safe.

"I was only creating the illusion of rape," said Copperfield. "My attorney, David Chesnoff, can vouch for my gentlemanliness."

The local police said they will probably just throw away the case on account of celebrities always being targeted for sex crimes, especially since the type of allegation hasn't even been made, nor has the supposed victim's name even known, nor has the police in the Bahamas have any record of his crime, nor is there any record of him being in the Bahamas. As an apology, Copperfield was asked if there's anything he needs.

He responded, "Can I have my $2 million back?"

17 October 2007

China furious over US medal to the Dalai Lama, awards China's top medal

President Bush met with the Dalai Lama yesterday in a move that angered China. It wasn't until the day after they discovered why. It was the first time a US president was seen with the leader of Tibet in public.

Once the Tibetan leader received the US Congregessional Gold medal, China became furious. "They were like a muslim to the cartoon," said the Dalai Lama.

In an attempt at retaliation, China awards the Dalai Lama it's top award, the communist Grand Lotus medal. They hope this last attempt to anger the US will work as well as their official denunciation to the media did.

16 October 2007

Maliki declares United States terrorists

Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki, appointed by the United States of America in May 2006, declared the United States as a terrorist regime. He has ordered a staged removal of all US troops and other personnel from within his borders.

"After going on five years of unrivaled security and strategic deployment of the best troops in the world occupying our country and protecting our culture," said Nuri al-Maliki, "I didn't for once believe they were against us the whole time. They used us to get oil and played us for victims. It turned out, they were the terrorists after all."

Maliki's decision was created overnight, but will allow some Americans to continue occupying Iraq. During the press conference, he stated, "American reporters and Hollywood actors are free to remain and continue to inform the world about how bad it was when the US was here, and about how we used to have flowery meadows and rainbow skies, and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.

12 October 2007

Peace, the prize Al gored

Al Gore, former presidential candidate and main ingredient in today's laughter, has just won the Nobel Peace Prize.

"If Yassir Arifat can kill scores of men, and Mikhail Gorbachev can maintain gulags while simultaneously acquiring the Nobel Peace Prize, than so can I," said Gore. "I haven't killed nearly as many men, though my attempts are promising."

Even Al Jazeera is confounded, who, in all the crap it airs, has probably caused less global hysteria than Al Gore.

08 October 2007

Clinton moves campaign to Mexico

Democratic freight train Hillary Clinton, D-NY, announced today she is moving her campaign to Mexico. News came only a day after it was released that 20 to 38 million people in America are here illegally.

"Before election day comes, illegal immigrants will be allowed to vote," says Clinton. "I have to adjust my strategy to win their votes as well, and i'm counting on the tens of millions of people to continue migrating north. They'll know who they want to vote for before even crossing our borders."

America without Democrats

A new poll was released today by Fox News confirming 1 out of 5 Democrats believe the world would be a better place if America lost the war in Iraq. Hillary Clinton, D-NY, personally commented saying, "The world would be a lot better off if Iraq was lost to rampant terrorism and have al Qaeda move in faster than I can finish this sentence."

A second poll that ran beside it confirmed 1 out of 5 Republicans think America would be a better place without Democrats.

07 October 2007

UK to teach Flat Earth scientology

The United Kingdom has seen a rise in the number of Muslims entering the country. Schools probably being most affected, our reporter visited a number of schools in London and asked if any recent changes have resulted from the migration.

"As a matter of fact, yes," said the Director of Science at University of London. "They are bringing their old 7th century ways into our culture. One in twenty students actually think the Earth is flat. One in ten student also denounce the wholly accepted Theory of Evolution as the cause of Man, opting for the more ludicrous Creationism, as if they were created from nothing."

This may help explain their willingness to blow themselves up as a faster way to the End. If they can die and make the news, poof, 72 virgins, right in their face, created out of nothing.

Bill Clinton shocked at prospect of becoming "First Lady"

Former president Bill Clinton today anounced his concern at becoming First Lady to possible future president Hillary Clinton. Among his statement, he told reporters, "I promise I will not run the country as president like Hillary did when i was in Office."

There is no guarentee the name will change to something more inline with this role. Some suggestions have come in, including: First Man, and Deputy President. Others just think it would be... Hillaryous.

04 October 2007

Craig blames 'Gay Bomb' on sex sting

Larry Craig's guilty plea retraction over the airport bathroom sex sting was rejected earlier this week by a state judge. His attempts to convince the judge someone set off a Gay Bomb in the bathroom had failed.

"I only went into the bathroom so I could relieve myself. You can see if there's someone in the stalls since the walls don't reach the floor. Then I saw his Reeboks, and just couldn't resist.