20 August 2009

Controversy Stirs Over 800m Runner's Gender Professionals

South African's Caster Semenya, 18, was accused of being a man when she won the 800m race in the World Athletics Championship. Following the accusation came heated refutations confirming that she actually is a she.

But how can one really be sure?

It will take a whole team of professionals to determine this. An endocrinologist, a gynaecologist, an internal medicine expert, an expert on gender, and a psychologist have agreed that pulling her pants down is the best way to see for themselves. Results of the test are expected to take weeks to analyze.

12 August 2009

Michael Jackson Film to be Made Avaliable in 4D

Among the many entrepreneurs waiting in line to profit from Michael Jackson's death, one of them, director Kenny Ortega, will make a movie available in four dimensions.

The movie, proverbially entitled "This is it," is expected to be released in October. It features eye-popping three-dimensional models of the dancing superstar. But what's really interesting is the heretofore unheard-of feature available in the forth dimension. "I wanted to create something that hasn't been done before in any movie," said director Kenny Ortego. "Not only will you see Michael Jackson in 3D, but you will be able to fast forward all the way to the end in speeds faster than what's available on your DVD player or VCR.

The movie is expected to bring profits only by showcasing the new technology.

10 August 2009

Geithner Asks Congress to Increase Federal Debt

U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is stating the Federal Debt is not high enough. "We need to show the world that the United States of America can handle any debt, no matter how many mountains of IOUs we can write."

"We're on par to break a world record," said Geithner. "$1.8 Trillion is what we're heading towards, but I know we can break $2 Trillion with just a little extra effort."

"This is clearly a moment in our history that requires support from both Democrats and Republicans for the increase. Congress has never failed to raise the debt limit whenever we ask," said Geithner.

09 August 2009

Not Everyone Likes Cash for Clunkers Program

The popular Cash for Clunkers program has allowed many people to enjoy a lifestyle slightly above their abilities. While the program isn't Living up to its purpose the damage its causing is duly outweighing its goal entirely.

By raping each working American of $60 ($20 each plus unlimited years of interest), those who were going to buy a car anyways is now buying one worth $4,500 more than they could've otherwise afforded, and has those who weren't going to buy a car, in tears.

"This is just another attempt at getting more and more people on welfare, and that's just what this is, welfare," said an area man upset at the way the Federal government uses his money. "There goes my lunch for the rest of the week. I could use some food stamps."

28 December 2007

Fox News Reports: You've Been Selected To Win a Free XBox 360

Earlier this evening, Foxnews.com has reported they are giving away a free XBox 360 (link may not always activate given claim). Recent visitors may also learn that Comfort Suites has warm breakfasts every day. LLBean offers free shipping. And you can find a date on match.com.

When asked about the new type of news being offered on foxnews.com, an official of the popular news organization had the following to say: "First we started offering articles with no real source for the information. This change came after a strategic poll claiming most news consumers don't really care anyway, and just assume since it's in the news, it must be real. Soon after, we made another change. We started writing shorter and shorter articles by cutting out all the details, and leaving just basic information about the story in. As a further test of our viewers intelligence, we then began placing non-news items all around the site. At the top, the side, the middle, the bottom, and other random spots. Even hidden inside the text are more propaganda aimed to attack the visitors by offering content unrelated to the news they're supposed to be consuming. For those who are casual browsers, often doing other things while clicking around on our site, our stories also speak to you right through your computer speakers, so you're constantly aware that AT&T services Boston. After a short while, 80% of our site had nothing to do with the news, and is where it's at currently."

Today on foxnews.com, you will discover that there are jobs on monster.com, love at chemistry.com, and refinance offers on lowermybills.com. For your convenience, you can even sign up for spam that will invade your emailbox with all kinds of eclectic information, all completely free. Gateway also sells computers. And for those of you who have never been to a Quality hotel, they now welcome you with a smile.

13 December 2007

Backup Catcher for Phyllies Caught Taking Steriods

Among the expansive list of popular baseball stars taking steriods are little known posers who want to make it big in the sports scene. Such a player is backup catcher for the Philladelphia Phyllies, Gary Bennett, Jr.

As a backup catcher, his role on the team involves cheering, waiting, twiddling his thumbs, and other activities often performed while sitting on the bench. At the occasional wave of the coaches hand, he may leave the bench and proceed to walk to his playing field position behind home plate—the position nearest to the dugout—where he squats down to catch balls thrown by the pitcher. Should he ever need to stand back up, it's usually done just prior to walking back to the bench.

Clearly, this is too fierce a strenuous activity for some athletes. Because of the substantial number of baseball players taking steriods, the Major League Baseball association will be changing the sport to require less running, less action, longer innings, and more waiting so players have time to catch their breath should it rise a few extra beats per minute.

08 December 2007

UK Sewers Slowing Down, Installs Broadband

Homes in and around Longon, UK have been experiencing back-ups in their drainage pipes. Many people are unable to flush the toilet. The problem has reached the UK's Office of Zero Emissions (OOZE) director to combat the problem.

The UK director of OOZE has released a statement to the public. "Human sludge is not being carried fast enough through our sewers because they have not grown along with the rise of London's population. Also, waste is encrusting to the walls of the pipes causing too narrow a passage for the influx of muck."

A new broadband sewer line is being proposed that will theoretically speed the throughput up to 20 Gbps. The bill, called Grand Refinement of Stately Sewers (GROSS) has passed legislation and will commence building within the next few weeks.

02 December 2007

Pornstar Student's Body Found After Grades Slipping

Emily Sanders, known as "Zoey Zane" to random people across the world, was found near El Dorado, Kansas, missing since November 26th. She was last seen with Israel Mireles and his girlfriend leaving a bar.

One of her professors, who goes by the name of "Seymour Balls" had some concerns about her. "The partners she chose started getting more ugly," the porn teacher said. "The guys she did it with, their asses were getting hairier and hairier. Grades are based on a customer's willingness to watch the video 'again.' No one wants to see that."

Other students at the school were worried the same could happen to them. A new policy was introduced to try to prevent this from reoccurring. The principle made an announcement over the intercom. "From now on there will be more cameras in every session. We will have the best chance of avoiding hairy man ass if we can choose between different views when assembling the video."

26 November 2007

Ron Paul Caught with Hooker

Presidential hopeful Ron Paul, R-TX, has recently been seen inside a brothel in Reno, Nevada. His discovery was kept secret until his next interview, hoping to catch him off guard.

Ron Paul was left to himself when he first heard the question. "It was not the Moonlight BunnyRanch brothel." Consumed of fear from this incredibly weak answer, he continued, "it was a strip joint. I was just about to 'pop out' of there, if you know what I mean."

Mr. Paul drank a crowd full of 'boos' before trying to maintain his stature and dignity. "And what about the reporter who found me? Surely she is just as guilty as I." He knew this answer was better when the crowd kept silent.

"I bet it was that babe from Fox News. I was with her just last night," said Paul, unprovoked.

"Yea!" from a sole member of the crowd, later identified as the boss of the undercover reporter.

Paul continued, "I found her in that same brothel, er.. titty bar, and we tasted our own personal brands of wine, if you get my drift."

24 November 2007

Identity Thief Also Pushing for Tighter Security

Earlier this year, a married couple had their identities stolen after the database of an airlines company was hacked into. Within days, malicious activity started accumulating by an identity thief somewhere in Great Britain. The couple agreed to an interview, but wanted their names masked for obvious reasons.

"We couldn't be happier," said Mark and Mary Strong. "We woke up one day, and all of our debt was gone."

The thief was caught earlier this week and the judge made him available to speak with.

"Oh, oh man," said the thief, "I try to get free tickets to Wales, and suddenly I'm $58,000 in debt. I have bills coming every week, and the collections agency is on my ass every the day. You guys have to make these systems more secure."

The judge refused to jail the criminal saying, "No amount of jail time is equivalent to the punishment he's now receiving."

"This is why we decided to mask our names, with our real names," said the couple.

20 November 2007

Moonbat Translator: Foes Run Over Retarded NY License Plan

Today's release of Moonbat Translator brings us CNN douchbag and popular leftard, Ruben Navarrette Jr. His agenda today involves bringing us comedy over the New York illegal drivers license plan. For those who are not experienced enough to understand how Navarrette feels about it, I have taken the time to translate it for you.

The article in its original language:

To understand Moonbat tongue is to realize most of what is being said are lies, or other falsehoods used in place of nonsense whenever one wants to make it sound like they know what they're talking about. Therefore, I have added helper-words to guide you through the translation.

The opening begins thusly:
Score one for the knee-jerk naysayers.

This is most easily written:
Republicans: 1
Democrats: 0

You know the type: Republicans who critize potential laws that don't make sense and that cause to hurt the working Americans.

Faced with the problem of what to do with tens of millions of illegal immigrants who drive on state roadways every day to go to work for people who shouldn't have hired them anyway, New york governor Eliot Spitzer proposed a controversial and retarded plan to give the criminaliens a state-issued driver's license that would be easily discernible from [real NY] licenses enough to prevent any normal criminal alien from ever wanting one.

The plan hit roadblocks with reasonable people, on the right and the left—which is always a good sign, but the criticism kept mounting, and now Spitzer has put the brakes on the plan after a brief but intense debate.

Correction. It wasn't really a debate. It was the rhetorical equivalent of a similar conversation that occurred amongst our Founding Fathers in which common sense was the basis of our Constitution.

Yes, common sense. That word is sometimes overused in the immigration debate, because the concept is pretty straight forward.

In this case, common sense is the word that Spitzer used to describe some of the things he hasn't quite figured out yet. The NY driver's license plan pilloried by everyone except him and I.

Here's the problem. The Republicans once again let their understanding of what could happen motivate them to action and stop the Democrats from destroying our culture.

When lawmakers proposed a path to legalization for criminaliens, the Republicans rightfully called it "shamnesty"—which is, in essense, what we have now.

When lawmakers proposed offering that path to [criminaliens] who pursue higher education, the Republicans called it—wait for it—"shamnesty"—and imagined a scenario where these illegal residents would attend US colleges and universities [on American taxpayer's money], which is what happens now[, and is alighting them to action].

And when a handful of governors, including Spitzer, proposed giving driver's licenses to these felonists, the Republicans objected lest we end up with a situation where American citizens share the highways with known rapists, felonists, and other border-jumpers who care nothing for the laws of America or its culture, which is what happens now[, except that they don't yet have a document that says they're undocumented].

These folks are often replete with shock at the sudden and severe lack of reasoning amongst the entire Democratic party, that problems appear to be tabled until time allows them to recover. This is what happened to GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, but he was quicker to respond during the interview with CNN Headline News host Glenn Beck, and still concious enough to state that he would punish states that give driver's licences to criminals.

When it comes to the immigration issue, we really are two Americas. There are Republicans who want to do something about it, and Democrats that want the criminal aliens to do something about us.

I discovered much of what was being translated ended up being a lie. This made it very difficult to choose proper verbiage. This particular dialect of Moonbat was a lot thicker than just Common Moonbat.

Even the legal immigrants are pissed.

18 November 2007

Chavez to double oil prices, US Retaliates

At a summit of the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) last week, the important matter of rising oil prices was once again on the table. But before anyone could discuss the economics on the agenda, Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela, was instead interested in attacking Bush.

"If the United States was mad enough to attack Iran or aggress Venezuela again the price of a barrel of oil could reach $150 or even $200," said Chavez.

While president Bush of the US was thumbing through his itinerary to find where Chavez was supposed to speak out, King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, a US ally who exports more oil than any other country, took point and said "Oil should not be a tool for conflict, it should be a tool for development."

Bush rose from his seat and said, "If Chavez will double the price of oil, America could double the amount of bombs being dropped." Everybody sat back down.

11 November 2007

Chavez, Name-calling a Strategy in International Relations

At another United Nations convention, polital leaders from around the globe gather to discuss the ever important matters of the World. US president George Bush was present among the leaders of South America, Europe and Asia. A conversation erupted between Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, the current socialist Prime Minister from Spain Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, the former Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar, the Spanish King Juan Carlos, and Bush.

Responding to September's incident when Hugo Chavez, the president of Venezuela, called Bush the Devil, the US leader decided to show up wearing bright red colored contacts.

"I wanted to show good ol' Hugo that he either respects us, or he fears us," said president bush. "If i can scare him as much as he scares his own people, than I know it will be worth it."

The night started with discussions of crime, education, oil production, and women. Chavez, knowing he has problems in each area, took this as a personal attack, glanced over at Bush, and saw the brimstone glance of a higher-being, with fiery breath and a stare to avoid. He mumbled:

Chavez: By Lucifer's beard
Bush: and horns
Chavez: Devil!
Aznar: And he's taken the form of Venezuelan Marxist leader!
Chavez: Fascist!
Zaptero: Easy Chavez, or we'll airship food and supplies to Venezuela to tell the world your a third world country.
Chavez: Backstabber!
Carlos: "Chavez, shut up."

03 November 2007

Pirates of the Caribbean IV: The Curse of Somali Warlords

Earlier this week a Japenese tanker was seized by Somali pirates. Captain of the pirate ship, Black Pearl, announced takeover at 5:45am Thursday and demanded the USS Porter, a US Navy warship, back off. Local witnesses describe the pirate captain as a "beardly man with a monkey on his shoulder."

A new captain of the USS Porter, known as Captain Jack, had some words to say on the matter: "T'would be rude of me to tresspass upon Somali waters, so me cannon balls will instead. Then thar shall be peace again for Sparrow."

Negotiations have started for the release of the governer's daughter from the Samolis. Also on board is a tanker-full of benzene, a highly flamable industrial solvent. Though bezene is fatal if too much is inhaled, a lesser amount may only alter the way one talks.

Somehow available for comment, the Black Pearl captain was available for a short interview by a CNN reporter. Though captured, was able to escape off the ship and swim to the US Navy vessel.

Reporter: Captain, what do you intend to do with the benzene?
Barbossa: Thar be a huge party an' plenty o' good times! Inhale we shall, an' high we shall be."

Reporter: Do you inted to sell any of it?
Barbossa: Yarr, and our prisoners too.

Reporter: Including Elizabeth Swann?
Barbossa: No. Ya scurvy dog whut deserves the black spot!