28 December 2007

Fox News Reports: You've Been Selected To Win a Free XBox 360

Earlier this evening, Foxnews.com has reported they are giving away a free XBox 360 (link may not always activate given claim). Recent visitors may also learn that Comfort Suites has warm breakfasts every day. LLBean offers free shipping. And you can find a date on match.com.

When asked about the new type of news being offered on foxnews.com, an official of the popular news organization had the following to say: "First we started offering articles with no real source for the information. This change came after a strategic poll claiming most news consumers don't really care anyway, and just assume since it's in the news, it must be real. Soon after, we made another change. We started writing shorter and shorter articles by cutting out all the details, and leaving just basic information about the story in. As a further test of our viewers intelligence, we then began placing non-news items all around the site. At the top, the side, the middle, the bottom, and other random spots. Even hidden inside the text are more propaganda aimed to attack the visitors by offering content unrelated to the news they're supposed to be consuming. For those who are casual browsers, often doing other things while clicking around on our site, our stories also speak to you right through your computer speakers, so you're constantly aware that AT&T services Boston. After a short while, 80% of our site had nothing to do with the news, and is where it's at currently."

Today on foxnews.com, you will discover that there are jobs on monster.com, love at chemistry.com, and refinance offers on lowermybills.com. For your convenience, you can even sign up for spam that will invade your emailbox with all kinds of eclectic information, all completely free. Gateway also sells computers. And for those of you who have never been to a Quality hotel, they now welcome you with a smile.

13 December 2007

Backup Catcher for Phyllies Caught Taking Steriods

Among the expansive list of popular baseball stars taking steriods are little known posers who want to make it big in the sports scene. Such a player is backup catcher for the Philladelphia Phyllies, Gary Bennett, Jr.

As a backup catcher, his role on the team involves cheering, waiting, twiddling his thumbs, and other activities often performed while sitting on the bench. At the occasional wave of the coaches hand, he may leave the bench and proceed to walk to his playing field position behind home plate—the position nearest to the dugout—where he squats down to catch balls thrown by the pitcher. Should he ever need to stand back up, it's usually done just prior to walking back to the bench.

Clearly, this is too fierce a strenuous activity for some athletes. Because of the substantial number of baseball players taking steriods, the Major League Baseball association will be changing the sport to require less running, less action, longer innings, and more waiting so players have time to catch their breath should it rise a few extra beats per minute.

08 December 2007

UK Sewers Slowing Down, Installs Broadband

Homes in and around Longon, UK have been experiencing back-ups in their drainage pipes. Many people are unable to flush the toilet. The problem has reached the UK's Office of Zero Emissions (OOZE) director to combat the problem.

The UK director of OOZE has released a statement to the public. "Human sludge is not being carried fast enough through our sewers because they have not grown along with the rise of London's population. Also, waste is encrusting to the walls of the pipes causing too narrow a passage for the influx of muck."

A new broadband sewer line is being proposed that will theoretically speed the throughput up to 20 Gbps. The bill, called Grand Refinement of Stately Sewers (GROSS) has passed legislation and will commence building within the next few weeks.

02 December 2007

Pornstar Student's Body Found After Grades Slipping

Emily Sanders, known as "Zoey Zane" to random people across the world, was found near El Dorado, Kansas, missing since November 26th. She was last seen with Israel Mireles and his girlfriend leaving a bar.

One of her professors, who goes by the name of "Seymour Balls" had some concerns about her. "The partners she chose started getting more ugly," the porn teacher said. "The guys she did it with, their asses were getting hairier and hairier. Grades are based on a customer's willingness to watch the video 'again.' No one wants to see that."

Other students at the school were worried the same could happen to them. A new policy was introduced to try to prevent this from reoccurring. The principle made an announcement over the intercom. "From now on there will be more cameras in every session. We will have the best chance of avoiding hairy man ass if we can choose between different views when assembling the video."