25 September 2007

Pelosi visits University in Iran, Tasered

Nancy Pelosi, current Speaker of the US House of Representatives, went public with her travel plans to Iran. Against all instruction from President Bush, she visited Amirkabir University of Technology speaking on matters such as Homosexuality and the Holocaust. Here are some questions and answers as asked by Iranian students, and answered by her Slitheryness.

Iran Student: Ms. Pelosi, is everyone in America homosexual?
Pelosi: By now, almost, though we try not to offend those who aren't. We are in the process of applying strict politically correct verbiage in all school textbooks. You should visit Key West, Florida.

Iran Student: Ms. Pelosi, did 9/11 actually happen the way the American people think it did, as a terrorist attack by their own gov't?
Pelosi: In America, you are free to pass your own opinions. Some people pass a lot of wind and others start to believe them, including the big cheese. Sometimes, it's necessary to cut the cheese in front of a large group of people.

Iran Student: Ms. Pelosi, what do Americans think about the Holocaust?
Pelosi: As the most hateful event in history. America was obliged to step in to employ our guns and save the Jews. We love the Jews!

The answer to this last question sparked enough protest to alarm the guards. Everyone got out of their seat and the room became increasingly loud. Pelosi raised her voice to shout over the raucous but the guards pinned her down. She then started shouting "Don't tase me bro'!"

20 September 2007

Members of Hillary's campaign officials catch rare disease, explode

One by one, members of Hillary Clinton's campaign officials are going down in the night. The disease causes the ass to swell, then explode. There is little scientific explanation for the swelling of their posteriors. One common symptom that occurs right as their body is at the apex of its bloat, is the enormous amount of shit that comes out of their mouths.

09 September 2007

US backs 7-tier Internet

The United States Department of Justice has declared Internet Service Providers should be allowed to charge extra for different types of content. They have classified them using the below structure, where the content at the top costs the most:

  1) Educational websites [.edu]
  2) Not for Profit Organizations [.org]
  3) Popular websites (e.g. yahoo.com)
  4) Maddox
  5) free hosting sites (e.g. geocities.com)
  6) porn
  7) Government websites [.gov; usdoj.gov]

It is unknown just how much each tier will cost above the tier below. A spokesman from the US DOJ commented saying, "This is to ensure everyone has access to government websites, no matter what they pay for their internet access, and companies like Microsoft ensure their popular website stays running."

Even before any premiums have been paid, three major telecom companies still had enough funds left for spying, and lobbying.

Only a primal few citizens on Earth think net-neutrality is bad, including the less-than executive employees of Internet Service Providers themselves, as they have to pressure their own employees to lobby.

04 September 2007

Britney has bad mouth, joins hood

Two new tracks from Britney's next album has been leaked over the internet, causing outrage. On one song, she throws an F-bomb; on the other, the N-bomb. They were bad enough to be banned from the radio in it's unedited form.

A reporter showed up at her new home, situated in the "bad area" of the city, to ask britney about her new album. She commented, half dancing, half tripping, "Word, cracka. I gots da boys out back rappin' and shit. You should come out, chill wif' my homeys."

The reporter left, astounded, and bought a copy of the Urban dictionary so she could finish her report. She had no idea that Britney turned into a sludge monster after her teen pop years, and never heard swearing in a song before.

After finishing her story, the editor refused to publish it. After intruducing her to rap music, the shock was too much, and she fainted. She was proclaimed permanently innanimate by the end of the day.