20 August 2009

Controversy Stirs Over 800m Runner's Gender Professionals

South African's Caster Semenya, 18, was accused of being a man when she won the 800m race in the World Athletics Championship. Following the accusation came heated refutations confirming that she actually is a she.

But how can one really be sure?

It will take a whole team of professionals to determine this. An endocrinologist, a gynaecologist, an internal medicine expert, an expert on gender, and a psychologist have agreed that pulling her pants down is the best way to see for themselves. Results of the test are expected to take weeks to analyze.

12 August 2009

Michael Jackson Film to be Made Avaliable in 4D

Among the many entrepreneurs waiting in line to profit from Michael Jackson's death, one of them, director Kenny Ortega, will make a movie available in four dimensions.

The movie, proverbially entitled "This is it," is expected to be released in October. It features eye-popping three-dimensional models of the dancing superstar. But what's really interesting is the heretofore unheard-of feature available in the forth dimension. "I wanted to create something that hasn't been done before in any movie," said director Kenny Ortego. "Not only will you see Michael Jackson in 3D, but you will be able to fast forward all the way to the end in speeds faster than what's available on your DVD player or VCR.

The movie is expected to bring profits only by showcasing the new technology.

10 August 2009

Geithner Asks Congress to Increase Federal Debt

U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is stating the Federal Debt is not high enough. "We need to show the world that the United States of America can handle any debt, no matter how many mountains of IOUs we can write."

"We're on par to break a world record," said Geithner. "$1.8 Trillion is what we're heading towards, but I know we can break $2 Trillion with just a little extra effort."

"This is clearly a moment in our history that requires support from both Democrats and Republicans for the increase. Congress has never failed to raise the debt limit whenever we ask," said Geithner.

09 August 2009

Not Everyone Likes Cash for Clunkers Program

The popular Cash for Clunkers program has allowed many people to enjoy a lifestyle slightly above their abilities. While the program isn't Living up to its purpose the damage its causing is duly outweighing its goal entirely.

By raping each working American of $60 ($20 each plus unlimited years of interest), those who were going to buy a car anyways is now buying one worth $4,500 more than they could've otherwise afforded, and has those who weren't going to buy a car, in tears.

"This is just another attempt at getting more and more people on welfare, and that's just what this is, welfare," said an area man upset at the way the Federal government uses his money. "There goes my lunch for the rest of the week. I could use some food stamps."