29 August 2007

Castro buys land in America, runs for President

The aging Fidel Castro has left Cuba to purchase land in Florida. Rumor has it, he's trying to become a citizen.

When questioned during his recent arrival, Castro stated "Hillary wants to force reform in Cuba, and if I know the American people, they are dumb enough to vote her into the highest office. I have to leave now, team up with Obama, and move to a place where I can still make a difference."

"I was actually born in America," said Castro during an interview, "and according to the American constitution, I am legally allowed to run for President. Being somewhat of a leader myself, I've been described by my people as ruthless, savage, heartless, rights-burglar, turd-nerfer, illegal immigrant-supporter, and victim-hurter. After studying Hillary's campaign, I know I would make a good Democrat."

28 August 2007

Idaho Senator enjoys gay dancers

Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) was found sneaking into an airport bathroom on tiptoes and looking under the stall doors. Soon after the gate cameras caught him giving once-overs to the elderly, airport security contained and arrested him.

Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport police Sgt. Dave Karsnia said, "He's a dirty old man, and needs to go to a dirty old prison."

Despite a strong voting record for anti-gay rights, Craig was unable to convince even his family of his sexual alignment. He said to the officer, "I saw someone dancing in the stall and was eager to find out who. I mean, I thought I was in the womens!"

06 August 2007

Fake Steve Jobs revealed

The author of the blog that inspired both Bill Gates and the real Steve Jobs has been revealed. The NY Times, after 14 months of mystery, has unearthed "The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs," thus ruining what heretofore have offered amusement and entertainment to everyone. Yes, the real author is the dissociated identity of the real Steve Jobs's alternate personality.

When confronted by accusations from the NY Times, editor Brad Stone patted himself on the back after celebrating; stumbled out of the local pub, Tipsy McStaggers, exclaiming "Now everyone knows it's you Stevie!"

Apple boss Steve Jobs mentioned, "After about the twelth month, I thought no one would ever discover me." Later that day, when questioned by our second reporter, he stated "I still enjoy reading it, even though i now know who's behind it. You never know what it's going to say."

Numerous psychologists have since been attempting to call him and set up an appointment. After realizing they couldn't get through, thought it best for society to just let him be. One, available for contact, gave us her reason: "If he's going to be changing personalities and building Macs on Intel chips, installing Safari on Windows, and removing DRM from iTunes, than his alter-ego is proving to benefit society greater than his truer self.

01 August 2007

War could cost $1 Gajillion

According to supposed wartime-ish, financial-ish "analysts," the war in Iraq could cost $1 Trillion. Members of Congress welcomed the report, all of whom were probably Democrat (all the ones in the article; see screenshot below); all of whom forgot to look at the facts. According to the article:

"In a report to lawmakers yesterday, the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office estimated that even under the rosiest scenario -- an immediate and substantial reduction of troops -- American taxpayers will feel the financial consequences of the war for at least a decade.

It's been almost 5 years already, and i have yet to feel the financial effects of our current situation. Why would i feel it in another 10 years, and best of all, why would i feel it 10 years after the fact.

"If the United States gradually reduced its troop level in Iraq to 30,000 by 2010, the US Treasury would still have to provide up to $500 billion more to sustain those troops, as well as pay other expenses, he said in the report.

"In the alternative scenario -- in which 75,000 US troops remain stationed in Iraq over the next five years -- the nation would have to pay an additional $900 billion, according to the analysis.

It's because of this, that i frequently praise America. British forces in Iraq: 9,000. US forces in Iraq: 190,000. Personally i'd like to see another country try to match this. No single other entity on Earth can afford to do this.

"We should find a way to pay for it so that when this war is over we are not bankrupt," [Representative James P. McGovern] said.

Some people have such little faith in America. The worlds' foremost economic powerhouse is going to go backrupt from putting less than a few hundred thousand troops in Iraq? These figures just don't add up. McGovern needs to go back to school.