Nobel Prize winner, James Watson, sentenced to Ghetto

James Watson, Nobel price winner for his discovery of the double-helix structure of DNA, has been accused of racism to the highest degree. Using the Scientific Method, and his reputation to back him, has scientifically declared that black people should bow to white people.

The London Science Museum's organiser, who cancelled his talk planned for last Friday, said, "Being 79 years old, he's subject to all the illnesses old people get, such as Dementia, Amnesia, and Schizophrenia. We felt it appropriate to discriminate on account of statistics. You never know when he may say things to deliberately arrouse a crowd a people."

The local judge said during his trial, "It would've been a little less targeting to say 'Caucasians may be more intelligent' rather than 'Blacks may be less intelligent.'" By order of the judge, he is to be transported to the middle of the ghetto, released, and will have to find his way out, to see if he is more intelligent than the others.

David Copperfield accused of Sexual Assault

Last Friday, world renowned magician David Copperfield has been accused of sexual assault. Later that day, he found his home has been stampeded by the FBI, with $2 million stolen from his safe.

"I was only creating the illusion of rape," said Copperfield. "My attorney, David Chesnoff, can vouch for my gentlemanliness."

The local police said they will probably just throw away the case on account of celebrities always being targeted for sex crimes, especially since the type of allegation hasn't even been made, nor has the supposed victim's name even known, nor has the police in the Bahamas have any record of his crime, nor is there any record of him being in the Bahamas. As an apology, Copperfield was asked if there's anything he needs.

He responded, "Can I have my $2 million back?"

China furious over US medal to the Dalai Lama, awards China's top medal

President Bush met with the Dalai Lama yesterday in a move that angered China. It wasn't until the day after they discovered why. It was the first time a US president was seen with the leader of Tibet in public.

Once the Tibetan leader received the US Congregessional Gold medal, China became furious. "They were like a muslim to the cartoon," said the Dalai Lama.

In an attempt at retaliation, China awards the Dalai Lama it's top award, the communist Grand Lotus medal. They hope this last attempt to anger the US will work as well as their official denunciation to the media did.

Maliki declares United States terrorists

Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki, appointed by the United States of America in May 2006, declared the United States as a terrorist regime. He has ordered a staged removal of all US troops and other personnel from within his borders.

"After going on five years of unrivaled security and strategic deployment of the best troops in the world occupying our country and protecting our culture," said Nuri al-Maliki, "I didn't for once believe they were against us the whole time. They used us to get oil and played us for victims. It turned out, they were the terrorists after all."

Maliki's decision was created overnight, but will allow some Americans to continue occupying Iraq. During the press conference, he stated, "American reporters and Hollywood actors are free to remain and continue to inform the world about how bad it was when the US was here, and about how we used to have flowery meadows and rainbow skies, and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.

Peace, the prize Al gored

Al Gore, former presidential candidate and main ingredient in today's laughter, has just won the Nobel Peace Prize.

"If Yassir Arifat can kill scores of men, and Mikhail Gorbachev can maintain gulags while simultaneously acquiring the Nobel Peace Prize, than so can I," said Gore. "I haven't killed nearly as many men, though my attempts are promising."

Even Al Jazeera is confounded, who, in all the crap it airs, has probably caused less global hysteria than Al Gore.

Clinton moves campaign to Mexico

Democratic freight train Hillary Clinton, D-NY, announced today she is moving her campaign to Mexico. News came only a day after it was released that 20 to 38 million people in America are here illegally.

"Before election day comes, illegal immigrants will be allowed to vote," says Clinton. "I have to adjust my strategy to win their votes as well, and i'm counting on the tens of millions of people to continue migrating north. They'll know who they want to vote for before even crossing our borders."

America without Democrats

A new poll was released today by Fox News confirming 1 out of 5 Democrats believe the world would be a better place if America lost the war in Iraq. Hillary Clinton, D-NY, personally commented saying, "The world would be a lot better off if Iraq was lost to rampant terrorism and have al Qaeda move in faster than I can finish this sentence."

A second poll that ran beside it confirmed 1 out of 5 Republicans think America would be a better place without Democrats.

UK to teach Flat Earth scientology

The United Kingdom has seen a rise in the number of Muslims entering the country. Schools probably being most affected, our reporter visited a number of schools in London and asked if any recent changes have resulted from the migration.

"As a matter of fact, yes," said the Director of Science at University of London. "They are bringing their old 7th century ways into our culture. One in twenty students actually think the Earth is flat. One in ten student also denounce the wholly accepted Theory of Evolution as the cause of Man, opting for the more ludicrous Creationism, as if they were created from nothing."

This may help explain their willingness to blow themselves up as a faster way to the End. If they can die and make the news, poof, 72 virgins, right in their face, created out of nothing.

Bill Clinton shocked at prospect of becoming "First Lady"

Former president Bill Clinton today anounced his concern at becoming First Lady to possible future president Hillary Clinton. Among his statement, he told reporters, "I promise I will not run the country as president like Hillary did when i was in Office."

There is no guarentee the name will change to something more inline with this role. Some suggestions have come in, including: First Man, and Deputy President. Others just think it would be... Hillaryous.

Craig blames 'Gay Bomb' on sex sting

Larry Craig's guilty plea retraction over the airport bathroom sex sting was rejected earlier this week by a state judge. His attempts to convince the judge someone set off a Gay Bomb in the bathroom had failed.

"I only went into the bathroom so I could relieve myself. You can see if there's someone in the stalls since the walls don't reach the floor. Then I saw his Reeboks, and just couldn't resist.

Pelosi visits University in Iran, Tasered

Nancy Pelosi, current Speaker of the US House of Representatives, went public with her travel plans to Iran. Against all instruction from President Bush, she visited Amirkabir University of Technology speaking on matters such as Homosexuality and the Holocaust. Here are some questions and answers as asked by Iranian students, and answered by her Slitheryness.

Iran Student: Ms. Pelosi, is everyone in America homosexual?
Pelosi: By now, almost, though we try not to offend those who aren't. We are in the process of applying strict politically correct verbiage in all school textbooks. You should visit Key West, Florida.

Iran Student: Ms. Pelosi, did 9/11 actually happen the way the American people think it did, as a terrorist attack by their own gov't?
Pelosi: In America, you are free to pass your own opinions. Some people pass a lot of wind and others start to believe them, including the big cheese. Sometimes, it's necessary to cut the cheese in front of a large group of people.

Iran Student: Ms. Pelosi, what do Americans think about the Holocaust?
Pelosi: As the most hateful event in history. America was obliged to step in to employ our guns and save the Jews. We love the Jews!

The answer to this last question sparked enough protest to alarm the guards. Everyone got out of their seat and the room became increasingly loud. Pelosi raised her voice to shout over the raucous but the guards pinned her down. She then started shouting "Don't tase me bro'!"

Members of Hillary's campaign officials catch rare disease, explode

One by one, members of Hillary Clinton's campaign officials are going down in the night. The disease causes the ass to swell, then explode. There is little scientific explanation for the swelling of their posteriors. One common symptom that occurs right as their body is at the apex of its bloat, is the enormous amount of shit that comes out of their mouths.

US backs 7-tier Internet

The United States Department of Justice has declared Internet Service Providers should be allowed to charge extra for different types of content. They have classified them using the below structure, where the content at the top costs the most:

  1) Educational websites [.edu]
  2) Not for Profit Organizations [.org]
  3) Popular websites (e.g. yahoo.com)
  4) Maddox
  5) free hosting sites (e.g. geocities.com)
  6) porn
  7) Government websites [.gov; usdoj.gov]

It is unknown just how much each tier will cost above the tier below. A spokesman from the US DOJ commented saying, "This is to ensure everyone has access to government websites, no matter what they pay for their internet access, and companies like Microsoft ensure their popular website stays running."

Even before any premiums have been paid, three major telecom companies still had enough funds left for spying, and lobbying.

Only a primal few citizens on Earth think net-neutrality is bad, including the less-than executive employees of Internet Service Providers themselves, as they have to pressure their own employees to lobby.

Britney has bad mouth, joins hood

Two new tracks from Britney's next album has been leaked over the internet, causing outrage. On one song, she throws an F-bomb; on the other, the N-bomb. They were bad enough to be banned from the radio in it's unedited form.

A reporter showed up at her new home, situated in the "bad area" of the city, to ask britney about her new album. She commented, half dancing, half tripping, "Word, cracka. I gots da boys out back rappin' and shit. You should come out, chill wif' my homeys."

The reporter left, astounded, and bought a copy of the Urban dictionary so she could finish her report. She had no idea that Britney turned into a sludge monster after her teen pop years, and never heard swearing in a song before.

After finishing her story, the editor refused to publish it. After intruducing her to rap music, the shock was too much, and she fainted. She was proclaimed permanently innanimate by the end of the day.