Peace, the prize Al gored

Al Gore, former presidential candidate and main ingredient in today's laughter, has just won the Nobel Peace Prize.

"If Yassir Arifat can kill scores of men, and Mikhail Gorbachev can maintain gulags while simultaneously acquiring the Nobel Peace Prize, than so can I," said Gore. "I haven't killed nearly as many men, though my attempts are promising."

Even Al Jazeera is confounded, who, in all the crap it airs, has probably caused less global hysteria than Al Gore.

Clinton moves campaign to Mexico

Democratic freight train Hillary Clinton, D-NY, announced today she is moving her campaign to Mexico. News came only a day after it was released that 20 to 38 million people in America are here illegally.

"Before election day comes, illegal immigrants will be allowed to vote," says Clinton. "I have to adjust my strategy to win their votes as well, and i'm counting on the tens of millions of people to continue migrating north. They'll know who they want to vote for before even crossing our borders."

America without Democrats

A new poll was released today by Fox News confirming 1 out of 5 Democrats believe the world would be a better place if America lost the war in Iraq. Hillary Clinton, D-NY, personally commented saying, "The world would be a lot better off if Iraq was lost to rampant terrorism and have al Qaeda move in faster than I can finish this sentence."

A second poll that ran beside it confirmed 1 out of 5 Republicans think America would be a better place without Democrats.

UK to teach Flat Earth scientology

The United Kingdom has seen a rise in the number of Muslims entering the country. Schools probably being most affected, our reporter visited a number of schools in London and asked if any recent changes have resulted from the migration.

"As a matter of fact, yes," said the Director of Science at University of London. "They are bringing their old 7th century ways into our culture. One in twenty students actually think the Earth is flat. One in ten student also denounce the wholly accepted Theory of Evolution as the cause of Man, opting for the more ludicrous Creationism, as if they were created from nothing."

This may help explain their willingness to blow themselves up as a faster way to the End. If they can die and make the news, poof, 72 virgins, right in their face, created out of nothing.

Bill Clinton shocked at prospect of becoming "First Lady"

Former president Bill Clinton today anounced his concern at becoming First Lady to possible future president Hillary Clinton. Among his statement, he told reporters, "I promise I will not run the country as president like Hillary did when i was in Office."

There is no guarentee the name will change to something more inline with this role. Some suggestions have come in, including: First Man, and Deputy President. Others just think it would be... Hillaryous.

Craig blames 'Gay Bomb' on sex sting

Larry Craig's guilty plea retraction over the airport bathroom sex sting was rejected earlier this week by a state judge. His attempts to convince the judge someone set off a Gay Bomb in the bathroom had failed.

"I only went into the bathroom so I could relieve myself. You can see if there's someone in the stalls since the walls don't reach the floor. Then I saw his Reeboks, and just couldn't resist.

Pelosi visits University in Iran, Tasered

Nancy Pelosi, current Speaker of the US House of Representatives, went public with her travel plans to Iran. Against all instruction from President Bush, she visited Amirkabir University of Technology speaking on matters such as Homosexuality and the Holocaust. Here are some questions and answers as asked by Iranian students, and answered by her Slitheryness.

Iran Student: Ms. Pelosi, is everyone in America homosexual?
Pelosi: By now, almost, though we try not to offend those who aren't. We are in the process of applying strict politically correct verbiage in all school textbooks. You should visit Key West, Florida.

Iran Student: Ms. Pelosi, did 9/11 actually happen the way the American people think it did, as a terrorist attack by their own gov't?
Pelosi: In America, you are free to pass your own opinions. Some people pass a lot of wind and others start to believe them, including the big cheese. Sometimes, it's necessary to cut the cheese in front of a large group of people.

Iran Student: Ms. Pelosi, what do Americans think about the Holocaust?
Pelosi: As the most hateful event in history. America was obliged to step in to employ our guns and save the Jews. We love the Jews!

The answer to this last question sparked enough protest to alarm the guards. Everyone got out of their seat and the room became increasingly loud. Pelosi raised her voice to shout over the raucous but the guards pinned her down. She then started shouting "Don't tase me bro'!"

Members of Hillary's campaign officials catch rare disease, explode

One by one, members of Hillary Clinton's campaign officials are going down in the night. The disease causes the ass to swell, then explode. There is little scientific explanation for the swelling of their posteriors. One common symptom that occurs right as their body is at the apex of its bloat, is the enormous amount of shit that comes out of their mouths.

US backs 7-tier Internet

The United States Department of Justice has declared Internet Service Providers should be allowed to charge extra for different types of content. They have classified them using the below structure, where the content at the top costs the most:

  1) Educational websites [.edu]
  2) Not for Profit Organizations [.org]
  3) Popular websites (e.g. yahoo.com)
  4) Maddox
  5) free hosting sites (e.g. geocities.com)
  6) porn
  7) Government websites [.gov; usdoj.gov]

It is unknown just how much each tier will cost above the tier below. A spokesman from the US DOJ commented saying, "This is to ensure everyone has access to government websites, no matter what they pay for their internet access, and companies like Microsoft ensure their popular website stays running."

Even before any premiums have been paid, three major telecom companies still had enough funds left for spying, and lobbying.

Only a primal few citizens on Earth think net-neutrality is bad, including the less-than executive employees of Internet Service Providers themselves, as they have to pressure their own employees to lobby.

Britney has bad mouth, joins hood

Two new tracks from Britney's next album has been leaked over the internet, causing outrage. On one song, she throws an F-bomb; on the other, the N-bomb. They were bad enough to be banned from the radio in it's unedited form.

A reporter showed up at her new home, situated in the "bad area" of the city, to ask britney about her new album. She commented, half dancing, half tripping, "Word, cracka. I gots da boys out back rappin' and shit. You should come out, chill wif' my homeys."

The reporter left, astounded, and bought a copy of the Urban dictionary so she could finish her report. She had no idea that Britney turned into a sludge monster after her teen pop years, and never heard swearing in a song before.

After finishing her story, the editor refused to publish it. After intruducing her to rap music, the shock was too much, and she fainted. She was proclaimed permanently innanimate by the end of the day.

Castro buys land in America, runs for President

The aging Fidel Castro has left Cuba to purchase land in Florida. Rumor has it, he's trying to become a citizen.

When questioned during his recent arrival, Castro stated "Hillary wants to force reform in Cuba, and if I know the American people, they are dumb enough to vote her into the highest office. I have to leave now, team up with Obama, and move to a place where I can still make a difference."

"I was actually born in America," said Castro during an interview, "and according to the American constitution, I am legally allowed to run for President. Being somewhat of a leader myself, I've been described by my people as ruthless, savage, heartless, rights-burglar, turd-nerfer, illegal immigrant-supporter, and victim-hurter. After studying Hillary's campaign, I know I would make a good Democrat."

Idaho Senator enjoys gay dancers

Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) was found sneaking into an airport bathroom on tiptoes and looking under the stall doors. Soon after the gate cameras caught him giving once-overs to the elderly, airport security contained and arrested him.

Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport police Sgt. Dave Karsnia said, "He's a dirty old man, and needs to go to a dirty old prison."

Despite a strong voting record for anti-gay rights, Craig was unable to convince even his family of his sexual alignment. He said to the officer, "I saw someone dancing in the stall and was eager to find out who. I mean, I thought I was in the womens!"

Fake Steve Jobs revealed

The author of the blog that inspired both Bill Gates and the real Steve Jobs has been revealed. The NY Times, after 14 months of mystery, has unearthed "The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs," thus ruining what heretofore have offered amusement and entertainment to everyone. Yes, the real author is the dissociated identity of the real Steve Jobs's alternate personality.

When confronted by accusations from the NY Times, editor Brad Stone patted himself on the back after celebrating; stumbled out of the local pub, Tipsy McStaggers, exclaiming "Now everyone knows it's you Stevie!"

Apple boss Steve Jobs mentioned, "After about the twelth month, I thought no one would ever discover me." Later that day, when questioned by our second reporter, he stated "I still enjoy reading it, even though i now know who's behind it. You never know what it's going to say."

Numerous psychologists have since been attempting to call him and set up an appointment. After realizing they couldn't get through, thought it best for society to just let him be. One, available for contact, gave us her reason: "If he's going to be changing personalities and building Macs on Intel chips, installing Safari on Windows, and removing DRM from iTunes, than his alter-ego is proving to benefit society greater than his truer self.

War could cost $1 Gajillion

According to supposed wartime-ish, financial-ish "analysts," the war in Iraq could cost $1 Trillion. Members of Congress welcomed the report, all of whom were probably Democrat (all the ones in the article; see screenshot below); all of whom forgot to look at the facts. According to the article:

"In a report to lawmakers yesterday, the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office estimated that even under the rosiest scenario -- an immediate and substantial reduction of troops -- American taxpayers will feel the financial consequences of the war for at least a decade.

It's been almost 5 years already, and i have yet to feel the financial effects of our current situation. Why would i feel it in another 10 years, and best of all, why would i feel it 10 years after the fact.

"If the United States gradually reduced its troop level in Iraq to 30,000 by 2010, the US Treasury would still have to provide up to $500 billion more to sustain those troops, as well as pay other expenses, he said in the report.

"In the alternative scenario -- in which 75,000 US troops remain stationed in Iraq over the next five years -- the nation would have to pay an additional $900 billion, according to the analysis.

It's because of this, that i frequently praise America. British forces in Iraq: 9,000. US forces in Iraq: 190,000. Personally i'd like to see another country try to match this. No single other entity on Earth can afford to do this.

"We should find a way to pay for it so that when this war is over we are not bankrupt," [Representative James P. McGovern] said.

Some people have such little faith in America. The worlds' foremost economic powerhouse is going to go backrupt from putting less than a few hundred thousand troops in Iraq? These figures just don't add up. McGovern needs to go back to school.